The Pointless Protection Theory
Self protection, where did we learn it? As children we were fearless. I mean some of us ate bugs, rocks and a few of you ate boogers, fearless right? Did you ever steal a piece of gum from your mother's purse? How about a dollar? That took big ones! Fearless.
I find myself at a place in my life where I am longing to be like that fearless kid again. You know, jumping off the kitchen table with a pillow case tied around my neck certain that I would fly across the room? Yes, her, I need to be her again. Confident and scared of nothing. What did I do to her you ask? I know where I lost her and I know how I lost her. The how and where of losing her are not all my own doing. What I do take ownership of are the coping mechanisms that I have developed over the years to keep myself safe. These mechanisms have now become crippling. I have grown accustomed to keeping people at bay. They might have made it into my safety zone, but they weren't allowed to stay long. This is because I have convinced myself that they will hurt me in one way or another. I told myself that being guarded was easier and safer than giving someone the opportunity to hurt me. If you never get hurt, there's nothing to recover from, nothing to get over right? Well what I did not account for was the missed opportunities or the missed connections. Hindsight is 20/20 and I am trying not to dwell on what I have already missed out on. I am working on being conscious of the behavior and forcing myself to fight through it. Acknowledging this and sharing it is therapeutic in itself, scary but therapeutic. What is really fucking with my brain and heart is the possibility that I pushed someone truly special away. He was like no one I had ever met or allowed myself to get to know. It's a gut wrenching feeling and to be honest, a couple of very heavy tears just fell out of my eyes. I don't want to be this person anymore, I will not be this person anymore.
There is good news on the horizon. I have the worlds most amazing son, the best psychologist money can buy (get you one) and some truly angelic friends, Beyonce can have flawless. I will never be flawless, but I will strive to be fearless.
I do not own any rights to the music or videos; I am just a music lover sharing what's keeping my ears happy.
I find myself at a place in my life where I am longing to be like that fearless kid again. You know, jumping off the kitchen table with a pillow case tied around my neck certain that I would fly across the room? Yes, her, I need to be her again. Confident and scared of nothing. What did I do to her you ask? I know where I lost her and I know how I lost her. The how and where of losing her are not all my own doing. What I do take ownership of are the coping mechanisms that I have developed over the years to keep myself safe. These mechanisms have now become crippling. I have grown accustomed to keeping people at bay. They might have made it into my safety zone, but they weren't allowed to stay long. This is because I have convinced myself that they will hurt me in one way or another. I told myself that being guarded was easier and safer than giving someone the opportunity to hurt me. If you never get hurt, there's nothing to recover from, nothing to get over right? Well what I did not account for was the missed opportunities or the missed connections. Hindsight is 20/20 and I am trying not to dwell on what I have already missed out on. I am working on being conscious of the behavior and forcing myself to fight through it. Acknowledging this and sharing it is therapeutic in itself, scary but therapeutic. What is really fucking with my brain and heart is the possibility that I pushed someone truly special away. He was like no one I had ever met or allowed myself to get to know. It's a gut wrenching feeling and to be honest, a couple of very heavy tears just fell out of my eyes. I don't want to be this person anymore, I will not be this person anymore.
There is good news on the horizon. I have the worlds most amazing son, the best psychologist money can buy (get you one) and some truly angelic friends, Beyonce can have flawless. I will never be flawless, but I will strive to be fearless.
I do not own any rights to the music or videos; I am just a music lover sharing what's keeping my ears happy.
Comments
Post a Comment